i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
