your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
