I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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