Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
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I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
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Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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