Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
