i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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