i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
