I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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