i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
