plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
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when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
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