I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
