my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
