he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
