Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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