Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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