All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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