The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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