I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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