Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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