who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
