I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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