Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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