I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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