yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
