Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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