It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You ruined the universe
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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