I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
