did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
