Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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