am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
