Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
