Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
