well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just forgot I was standing up.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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