you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
