One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you mean i was at the winter classic?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
When are your genitals available?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
