The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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