i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
