I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
