Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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