i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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