wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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