It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
you had me at cake vodka
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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