I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
