so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm at about main and main street
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
