Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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