I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I can't turn off my feet"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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