I am spending my child support on dildos
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
