Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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