fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
