I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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