I'm drive I can fine osifer
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
