i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
