and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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