Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
