And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
