I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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